Me. At least after what I've been through.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
