I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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