but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
