haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
