after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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