i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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