In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The best revenge is premature balding
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
