Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
