Can i not drive my cunt home
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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