God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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