I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
