so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
