How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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