i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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