My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
