dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
