I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
