I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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