Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How external is "for external use only"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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