i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
