Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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