remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
