I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
