i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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