The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
