I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
