Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
