you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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