i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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