yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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