What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
