There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
