Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
