last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
