It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We don't watch enough power rangers
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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