did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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