I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
