The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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