does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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