Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
