Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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