I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
