so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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