I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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