I met the friendliest cop last night
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
