Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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