but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
