I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
