Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
