My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
