Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
