god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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