ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
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I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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