My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
