cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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